


this is what anxiety feels like

by Newsgirls



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Lyric fic, Song Lyrics, Suicide, lyric - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 10:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21034979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newsgirls/pseuds/Newsgirls
Summary: Payton is so haunted by what he saw tonight, he is absolutely paralyzed at the fact that he could witness such a thing





	this is what anxiety feels like

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from Clinton Kane’s song this is what anxiety feels like, please listen! Clinton Kane is such a good and under appreciated artist.

Bones shake the cold starts to kick in  
Getting harder to breathe again  
Any longer, I’ll need a friend  
Trying to keep my composure but  
All I do is fall on the ground  
So much noise I don’t hear a sound

Payton lay in his bed, he was under layers and layers of blankets and yet he still felt as if he lay in a tub full of ice. He couldn’t move, a shrieking silence filled his house and he couldn’t stand it. he felt his phone buzz under his hand but he couldn’t stand to look at it, he could only replay in his mind what he had just witnessed. 

It didn’t feel real, it just felt as if it was a nightmare, a horrible, horrible nightmare. He wanted to scream, but his mouth couldn’t form a sound. The only thing he was allowed to do right now was to be silent. He tried not to let himself cry, but it was too late. 

He felt it was his fault, it had to be. If he had only just not said that one thing that one time. It was all just one big domino effect. 

Payton only wished for one person to be with him right now, one person to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay. That is wasn’t his fault. But that one person was dead. Payton has watched River Barkley kill himself tonight and there’s absolutely nothing that he can do about it now. 

And all of the words once in me  
They slowly start to realize  
That the room filled up with teardrops from my eyes  
Oh I feel my body shaking  
No hope is being kept alive  
The fear of losin' more than just my mind

He felt a paralyzed, god he loved River so much. But now he was gone, never to be seen again. The tears flowed from his eyes with ease now. He had given up on trying to stop it. He just let himself curl up and cry. 

He lay there for who knows how long, it honestly could of been seconds or hours, but he lay there and cried until there were simply no more tears left inside of him. He just felt helpless, so unbelievably helpless. So he lay there until he felt nothing. 

At least, that’s what he wanted to do, he just wanted to feel nothing, his mind simply wouldn’t let him though. He felt broken, and devastated and like there was no point to the world without River Barkley inhabiting it. Why would people want to still be here without the definition of perfection walking around. 

Rivers smile suddenly appeared in Payton’s mind. Something that usually made Payton be filled with joy, now just made him sink more into himself. He will never see that smile again. He will never have anyone to calm him down before speeches or to motivate him and he’s gonna fucking fail mandarin now. 

And he can’t do anything about it. 

I can't breathe  
I can’t sleep  
What is this feeling I feel inside of me?

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!!   
follow me on tumblr @bisexualpaytonhobart


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